"I'm not good enough"

Anybody ever hear this one running through their minds? I'm sure there are many of us. Whether it's from a voice given to the desire to be perfect or a condemning voice from past experiences, it's all doing the same thing... keeping us from the abundant life God has freely given. (John 10:10)

Some of you know this was my number one lie... a constant tapping on my shoulder. From there, other lies began to take hold and steal my joy... "I've got to be better"..."I'm a mess"... "I don't like myself"... "I will always be this way." I was always aware of it...even on my good days. Not quite sure where the voice came from ... there is no traumatic experience or treatment in my past that shaped this belief. Maybe it came from grabbing onto the black and white, good and bad, do's and don'ts of church and religion INSTEAD of the everlasting love, mercy and grace of a relationship with my Savior. Why did I do that? Because in my mind... the former was easier to understand. Grace and unconditional love... that only made sense once the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to this truth. I was a Christian much longer than I was truly spirit filled. Satan used these lies to try and keep me from this life.

"I'm not good enough"... Want the truth? ... You are right... But guess what? ... NOBODY IS (Romans 3:23). The truth is, no matter how much "better" you become or how much good you do to make up for the bad; you will still not be good enough. Some people see hopelessness in this ... I see pure freedom. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and just give it to Him. Stop placing unrealistic expectations on your life and condemning yourself when you fail. Think about it... If you were good enough, you'd be Jesus. He is the ONLY one who can ever be good enough.

Ready for some good news... or should I say GREAT NEWS?!?! If you are a Christian, you don't have to be good enough. Jesus came so you would not have to be (1 Cor 15:3). So, why do we think the Christian life is about becoming or acting perfect? The gospel is about a Savior coming to save the imperfect. I used to always just say that Jesus gave His life for me. What I've recently learned is that I need to change my perspective.. or actually... just my wording. He didn't just give me His life; He gave me HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS... Yes, you are the righteousness of God in Christ (2 Cor 5:21)!!! So accept His righteousness and stop trying to live by your own. Let this sink in. Not just into your mind... not just in your heart... but to your very core. Get this truth. Replace the lie and start living your abundant life.

But please also let this sink in. If you are hearing... I have a free pass to do whatever I want...  you are terribly mistaken and giving into a new lie. As a Christian, our goal is to learn the Word and strive to obey it.

My point is, do NOT obey because you have to be better. Do it out of love and gratefulness for what He has done for you AND do it in HIS power and not your own (Zechariah 4:6). If you are constantly trying to do this in your own power, you will fail and continue to hear that condemning voice.

In order for a lie to take root, there has to be some disconnect with God's truth. What truth was I not really getting which allowed this particular lie in?

Sizeable Growth Opportunities

I was recently asked, how long it took me to get where I am in my walk and when I really started to grow. There are two big moments that ring out when answering that question. The first was the freeing breakthrough of learning who I am in Christ (that God loves me no matter what and there is NO condemnation for me. None. Ever.) The second is easy - my mission trips these past two years. Most of you know I was part of a medical mission (through Seacoast Church and partnered with Pioneers International) to Togo, West Africa. In addition to medical clinics, this trip placed an emphasis on evangelism to these patients. This made all the difference.

When talking about mission trips, many people have one of the following comments; however, I believe these ways of thinking are all wrong. If one of these is you, I beg you to reconsider.

1) "that is not my gift" - A short term mission is not about a spiritual gift. Yes, there are some who are called to be full time missionaries around the world. That does require a calling and a special gift. Short term though...It is really A GIFT THAT GOD GIVES TO YOU. You get as much, if not more out of it as the people you are going to serve. The 2010 trip was a true and amazing experience. The 2011 trip was where the fun began; I started seeing so many mighty works that God was doing all around me. This is where I learned what it was like to release control of all my plans and conveniences, as well as, live moment by moment for Him. You have to be taken out of your comfort zone to experience this. It is amazing when you get a taste of what is really going on. We can't see it (the unseen world) here in America because of all the busyness and distractions. Jesus Calling, June 15th says it well, "The curse of this age is over stimulation of the senses (busyness, technology, power for more, material things), which blocks out awareness of the unseen world... The goal is to be aware of the unseen things as you live out your life in the visible world." Now that I've seen it so clearly and abundantly in Africa, I know that the same thing is happening in America. I just have to stop and open my eyes to see it.

2) "Why go over seas, there's plenty of mission work to do here?" - This excuse I didn't quite get until recently. Before my mission trips, I wasn't very mission oriented... It was all about me. Going on a trip made me more mission-minded. More importantly, God used my experiences in Africa to mold a ministry opportunity just right for me here in America. I had a lot of growing to do. He had to take me out of "my world" to stretch me! Now, I'm sharing my story via the Internet as well as creating a bible study at my church. A mission trip is more than travel, more than service... It's all about what you experience and what you do with it when you return home.

3) "I could never go on a mission trip." - There will ALWAYS be a reason why you shouldn't or can't go on a mission trip. For most, I believe these reasons are Satan's way of keeping you right where you are spiritually and not experiencing all God has for you. Don't limit God and what He can do in your life. Anything is possible and a lot of times you cannot see it until you step out of your world. This last trip (November 2011), I almost didn't go because I just didn't know how I could work out childcare for my kids (24/7 since I was homeschooling). I took a step of faith and trusted that just as God provides the financial support, he would provide someone to watch over my kids... And like always...He came through. It scares me to think how much I would've missed out on if I would have allowed that doubt to take away such a gift! If I have learned anything from this, it is that if there is any part of you, even the tiniest part, that wants to experience this... take that step of faith and just do it!!!

Isaiah 6:8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom Shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

What about you??? Any desire to go...even the slightest???

Control: Who has it?

Just when you think you have "it" under control, God will tell you otherwise. A friend has a magnet on her fridge that says, "We Plan, God Laughs.".... It is so true.

Take Kids for example: I've bragged about how my kids sit and play quietly in thier rooms for "quiet time" most days. It IS a great thing because I need it as much if not more than them. I thought I had it down pat. Well, last week, my kids ... no wait... God humbled me. I was in a deep conversation with a friend during thier "room time." ... (Side note: How come kids know they can get away with so much more when mom is preoccupied with a friend!?!?)... They were playing rather loudly so I told them they could pick a room and play quietly together ... MISTAKE #1... We heard all sorts of Shenanigans going on, but I continued with my deep discussion anyway. MISTAKE #2. Nothing prepared me for what I walked in on. My "innocent" little boys had taken crayons and drawn multiple "windows" on all four walls of Connor's room (see picture).. Oh yeah, and a nice little "fireplace." They were then throwing the crayons at the ceiling and making "pretty color" marks... That's not the worst... Connor's "blankie" had gotten stuck on the overhead fan light (don't ask me how)... So, naturally they decide it would be a great "rope" swing... yes, I said swing! You can imagine this did NOT bode well for the light ... Or my blood pressure!!! And do I even want to tell you about the door knob stopper (see picture again if you didn't notice it earlier)??? The boy's rooms are adjacent to each other and a hole in each room mysteriously appeared one day where you could see straight through to the other's room. This became thier way of communication during "room time" as well as a place to hide thier socks (don't ask my why!?!?! We will never know how many are in there!!!). My goodness, how can two semi-obedient boys cause so much destruction!?!?!

This is a silly example I thought you would enjoy hearing. The truth is, we all have examples of how we thought (and even boasted about how) we had "it" all under control. Only later to learn otherwise. Whether it's planning something or just being prideful, it's all coming from the same motive... to CONTROL. To control means to be in charge of, to have power and dominion over, to manipulate or influence. Wait... Aren't these adjectives part of God's job description and not ours!?!?

I'm learning to boast only in the Lord and not myself (1Cor 1:28-29) because nothing is possible without Him ...especially control of a situation. Why? God longs to be with YOU and have a relationship with YOU. He is a jealous God (Ex 20:4:5) and wants you to recognize your need for Him. Answer this. When things are going well, do you call on your Savior and invite Him into ALL of your day OR do you just call on Him when things are a mess? It's much easier to forget He is there when "you don't need Him right now." Our sin nature craves control. But as always, God knows best.

Control...Do you really want it? I mean do you really? Think about it. Do you really want to carry all that burden and responsibility? I'm finally admitting that I am not in control. I'm embracing it and realizing that it's not such a bad thing. What freedom it is to take that load off of my shoulders and place it where it's supposed to be ... into God's more than capable hands.

What Does That Look Like?

It's Official...

Baby #3 is on the way!!!

...So why am I fearful and anxious?!?!

I had a miscarriage in February. There was a moment, when I realized what was happening, where time stood still...a defining moment. I started to cry and my mind went to a dark place, but stopped almost immediately. I remembered something I recently learned and was able to fight back. We have spiritual armor (Eph 6:10-18). It's there if we want it. We just have to CHOOSE to PUT IT ON and USE IT. Joyce Meyer gave a great visual of this piece by piece in one of her teachings. The piece I remembered in that moment was to use my shield of faith (Eph 6:16) - when shots (or "fiery darts") come our way, you must deflect them with Truth (i.e. by saying "I'm trusting God" or "God is good all the time and I will not let this get me down."). I visualized my shield and deflected the negative thoughts about my experience by speaking these words AND remembering my blessings! Through His strength I was able to turn my day around. Throughout the day there were times when it wanted to creep back in, but I put up my shield of faith... And it really worked!

That was a moment of loss. But now here I am 8 weeks pregnant and experiencing moments of fear and doubt that something will go wrong. It had been doing a number on me. How do I fight back this time? ... The Same Way! They are different "fiery darts" than before, but they are definitely coming from the same source. Satan wants to use our experiences to defeat us. But God intends for our experiences to be used for good.

Fear and doubt is not from God, therefore, these are lies I must not believe or even entertain. At the moment a fearful thought or doubt about the baby (or anything else for that matter) comes in my head, I need to just visualize my shield of faith, and deflect these thoughts by verbally saying, "I'm trusting God." If you really think about it, all we can do is trust Him. He is sovereign and in control. He is the author of my story. And He's already written the story of this little one inside of me. I'm CHOOSING to trust my creator who knows best (Hebrews 12:2). When I do this, there is no reason to be afraid.

Every doubt or fear that will come my way, I will RECOGNIZE that it's not from God and I will CHOOSE to put up my shield of faith and speak with confidence - "I'm trusting God."

What about you? Maybe it's not a baby you're expecting or the desire to have one. It can be anything that brings uncertainty or any type of loss you have experienced. Can you trust God even when it doesn't make sense? Can you accept that we are not in control and He has a plan much better than ours? If you need a visual to help... put up your shield of faith. Give it a try!

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

"But I don't FEEL like it ..."

Have you ever caught yourself saying these six words? If you don't watch it, they can rule your life. In fact, they did for the majority of mine. If you stop and think about it, it is no different than when our kids say it back to us. Can you hear the whiny "But Mom (or Dad)" voice? Of course, we know what's best for them and encourage them to do it anyway. This is what God (our Father) hears from us (His children). How much more does He know what's best?

"I don't feel like...                                                   
...Waking early to read my bible                 
...Doing something nice for someone not so nice  
...Serving or helping someone       
...Working hard at a job I don't like                     
...Exercising or eating right
...Being the bigger person in an argument          
...Doing anything at all!"
The List can go on and on. Is anybody with me!?!?!

In my last post, I talked about the soul and body part of us and how they need to learn to submit to the spirit. This phrase is a great example of just that in my life. It represents a stronghold (of my soul) and a habit (of my body) that I am continually working on.

It is a bad habit because when I didn't "feel" like doing something, I just didn't do it. Even if I knew it was the best thing for me or what I was supposed to do. I just ignored and hid from the "spirit" voice in my head telling me this. In other words, I was lazy... really lazy.. or for a better word... in bondage.

It is a stronghold because the way I feel dictates the way I live. Who knew you didn't have to live by your feelings?!? I sure didn't for the longest time and more times than not, my feelings were negative and ALL about me. Feelings are fickle. They can change in an instant, therefore, they cannot be truth. Just ask us women. One moment we are happy our guy is watching a chick flick with us, then we are crying because it's just so sweet. Next, we get mad because he isn't crying with us, so we throw a pity party because "he just doesn't understand me." Get the picture?

How do we get these feelings? By listening to lies (many old, some new) and letting them take up residence in our minds. Be careful where you let your mind go or what you let it think on. Negative feelings are produced from dwelling on a negative thought. These thoughts can either be a lie or belief that Satan OR you placed in your mind. They are based on circumstances instead of Truth (the Word). Satan uses our feelings to form mindsets that hold us back, keep us hurting and take away our light. Most of us are not even aware of our thoughts throughout each day. Scary, huh?

Even though I am now recognizing and overcoming much, I still hear those words whispered to me. Sometimes I still act on it and give into my feelings. But many times I recognize it and take that thought captive (2 Cor 10:5). I wish I could say that I catch it every time, but I am still a work in progress.

What about you? Do you hear this phrase or a similar one repeated throughout your day? What do you do with it? Do you live by your feelings or the truth?

We must CHOOSE to be INTENTIONAL with the one thing

God has given us control over - our minds.

Imbalance or Spiritual Attack?

Lie #3: Anxiety and depression are ONLY physical issues that medication can cure.

Medicine was created to help us. However, it is not the answer, but an aide to the solution. There are so many underlying issues that lead to and feed anxiety and depression. Issues that need to be dealt with. Issues that medicine cannot cure... Only God can.

I have had many benefits from taking medication for my depression. However, I knew there was something going on that was more than just an imbalance. There were things I was doing and lies I were believing that kept me in this state. When I was first prescribed medication, I shared my struggles with the psychiatrist. He disregarded my feelings that something more was going on (spiritual attacks) and I needed to seek out God's help. He just wrote on his notepad and handed me a prescription. This may have not been his intentions, but it was my perception of the situation. I left a little mad, but even more confused. What part of my depression is a result of an imbalance and what are actual spiritual attacks on my mind that need to be addressed? Recently, I was able to ask a Christian physician this question. He brought me answers by leading me to this verse.

1 Thessalonians 5:23 Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again.

We are tri-part beings (spirit, soul and body) and He cares for every part of us. These parts are separate, yet work together. A diabetic takes medication to keep his blood sugar levels in balance. A hypertensive person must take medication to keep their blood pressure in balance. The same is true for someone who deals with a chemical imbalance. These three scenarios are no different. They each deal with the "body" part of the equation. Our soul and spirit are different areas and much harder to understand.

Ironically, I'm now in a great study through my church called Living in Freedom Everyday (LIFE). We just studied 1 Thess 5:23 and it explained the tri-part of us and how they work together. My understanding...long story short is...We were created in the Image of God (Genesis 1:27), therefore, at creation we received His spirit (a spirit person that was connected to God's spirit). However, the fall of man (Adam & Eve, Genesis 3) resulted in the death of our spirit person. In other words, we are dead in sin when we are born (Romans 5:12). When you become a Christian (through the salvation prayer), the Spirit person comes alive (is resurrected within us through a relationship with Christ - Eph 2:1-6). Even though, His Spirit is now alive within us, our soul (mind, will, emotions) and body (health, cravings, sinful desires) do not automatically relinquish control to the spirit (Eph 4:22). Our goal as Christians should be for the soul and body to submit to and be led by the Spirit. Sanctification is a process and can be a long one ... a lifelong one.

I am now learning the difference between what is brought on chemically (that physical pulling down feeling), and what other ways my body gets the best of me (its habits and cravings). I also realize how powerful the soul part of me is, which is my mind, will and emotions. This is where my strongholds reside. Wish I could say that my issue was all chemical, but that would be a lie. I have strongholds that need to be demolished. I also have habits and tendencies that "feed" my depression. They need to be broken. 

Depression is so much more than physical sickness. There is a battle going on for your soul. Even if you have come to salvation and your spirit is made alive with Christ, Satan can still keep you down if you allow your soul and body to continue making all the calls. THIS IS WHERE MEDICINE CAN NOT HELP.

You CAN and HAVE TO FIGHT BACK? But how?

I can't be, I'm a Christian...

 (original post 5/15/12)

I can't be, I'm a Christian...

Lie #1 - "I can't be depressed. I am a Christian."

"I am not happy, but I cannot let others know. Christians are supposed to be a light and mine is pretty dim. I have to hide this side of me." This was my thinking for a long time and boy was I good at hiding it... most of the time. I think some of you know what I'm talking about. Many of us stay in denial or hide it... especially Christ followers. Why? Is it pride? Some. Embarrassment? Most definitely. A misconstrued understanding of what it means to be a Christian? Absolutely.

We have been saturated with a lie that once you become a Christian, you are supposed to live "happily ever after." (This truth will not happen until heaven.) The Christian life is a race ... more like a marathon (Hebrews 12:1). Life still continues as normal and we still have our struggles, but, the difference is we now have the Savior of the world, our Comforter, Refuge and Best Friend walking alongside of us.

John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Matthew 5:16 You are the light of the world... let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

We are not free from the throws of depression nor any other ailments or struggles. We have this notion that if we are not happy and just about perfect, we can not be a light to others. This is a lie and a way for Satan to hold us back. The Truth is we are supposed to be transparent about our imperfections and show how differently we deal with them (with a humble, repentant and dependent spirit). This is when our light shines. Think about it. What's more effective, speaking the gospel all day everyday, or living it out in front of the world so they can actually see it and not just hear it?

My story - I've struggled with depression for at least 15 years. The earliest I can remember having any symptoms was in college. About 11 years ago, I spoke with a Christian counselor about "food issues" (at least I thought that was why I was there). She asked me a series of questions, then said "Christie, you are depressed." Of course my response was "NO I AM NOT!" A couple years later, in pre-marital counseling with a pastor, I was asked if I deal with it. Again, my response was "No Way!" I left both of these meetings defensive and embarrassed. I denied it for so long, but eventually accepted something was wrong... not depression though... maybe seasonal affective disorder.. yeah, that doesn't sound as "bad". So I continued in my denial and tried my very best to mask it around others...

Lie #2 - "I am a Christian, I cannot take an antidepressant"

In the Christian community, there is a difference in opinion on this topic. I am no expert, so all I can do is tell my story. For me, not taking the medicine prolonged my ability to grow and be a light. Satan had me right where He wanted me ... paralyzed and doing nothing.

...I finally accepted that I struggled with depression, but told myself I had to just deal with it because I couldn't take medication. It wasn't until 6 years ago, that I decided I could not overcome this on my own. I confided in a friend who was transparent and let me know she had also dealt with it. She asked me the questions, "If you had high blood pressure, would you take medication for it?" I said yes and began to understand why people take antidepressants. It didn't define me or where I stood as a Christian. It was medicine to help my body get back into balance. I started taking an antidepressant and all I can say is my life began to change. The fog began to clear. My "stuff" was still there, but, because the fog was lifting, I was able to face it instead of trying to hide from it. MOST IMPORTANTLY, my relationship with God began to grow leaps and bounds.

For awhile, I still tried to come off of it or put a time limit on taking it, but was unsuccessful. Two years ago, I finally admitted to myself that I need this medicine right now and would take if for as long as it took. I was finally being a "light" (Matthew 5:16) and able to enjoy my life in its abundance (John 10:10). I have come to the conclusion that God is more concerned about me being a light in a dark world to further His kingdom, then He is with me spending all my time focused on perfecting myself on my own.

For me, antidepressants have helped "clear the fog" so I can:
1) Face my issues (doubts, insecurities, negative thoughts and mindsets). They are still there.
2) Grow closer to God (For me, it lifts the fog that stands between me growing. I can focus on Him instead of my problems.)
3) Step out and be used by Him (Focus on and serve others, tell my story).

Without my surrendering to pride and being open to antidepressants, I do know I would not have gone on my last two mission trips (where I grew tremendously), and I certainly would not be doing what I am right now ... being used for ministry.

If you are considering taking an antidepressant,


1) Come out of denial, stop being embarrassed and admit there is something wrong. Ask God for help and to show you what to do.

Psalm 34:17 When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their distress and troubles.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.

2) Identify - Determine what is based on circumstances? What are mindsets? Physical symptoms? What may simply be habitual responses that you have fallen into?

Define - What are you thinking about? What do you say to yourself and not even realize? Many times Satan pulls us down by feeding us lies about ourselves or others. Listen to your thoughts, write them down and find Truth (scripture) that speaks against these.

Fight- Have you first tried taking this to God and began addressing it? Pray specific prayers? Seek His counsel. Have you already tried this but feel there is a wall up and you cannot get through?

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

3) Talk to a Christian Counselor (Proverbs 11:14; Proverbs 12:15; Proverbs 19:20-21)

4) What are your motives for taking an antidepressants? Do you want a quick fix? Do you NOT want to deal with underlying issues? (i.e. Medicine for me has helped me break the chains that kept me from growing spiritually. For another, when they began to feel better, they feel that they don’t need God's help anymore. There is a big difference in motive in these situations.)
Proverbs 16:2 All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.

5) Don't look at it as the solution to all your problems, but instead, the beginning of healing.
Exodus 15:26 ...For I am the Lord, who heals you